Mar 25 2009

How to Identify Selfish men before it’s too late.

 

 

For JuJu:

I received a note from a reader today and hopefully she doesn’t mind that I share the topic with  you other ladies whom may be wondering the same thing. So thanks to JuJu, today’s post is about “How to identify Selfish Men before it’s too late.”

I love women, I really do. When she is in love with a man she’ll do almost anything to please him, to include overlooking the obvious. In this instance the obvious is that he’s selfish as hell and he thinks that the world revolves around him. In his small mind he feels that it is a privilege for you to be with him. The crazy thing about this scenario is that you reinforce this thought process by continuing to overlook the obvious, he’s really only into himself.

How many of you have girlfriends with boyfriends like this? Or better yet, how many of you have had men like this in the past or currently? The guy who expects so much of you and gives only what he wants in return. Generally, he’ll do things for you only to get something in return. I am afraid most of you have that man now, you probably have just chosen to ignore it and overlook the obvious.

These are men whom expect you to do things like clean the apartment, wash his clothes, make him dinner, make love to him when you are tired, take care of him when he is sick and if you have children together, he expects you to raise them with little input or help from him.

Whatever happened to a 50/50 relationship? One where he does the same or more for you, does that exist anymore? I say they do, and if you are not in a relationship that is 50/50 right now, then you are doing yourself a great injustice and wasting away your youth and beauty on someone who possibly will never change. At least not for you. He may learn a valuable lesson when your gone, if he does that’s a good thing but the next woman he is with will be the one who benefits from your suffering.

Most men learn their lesson when the woman they’re currently with is gone and he finally realizes exactly how much he actually loved her. We’ve all heard the expression, “You don’t know what you have, until it’s gone”, right? In order to ensure that we don’t meet that same fate and suffer heartbreak again (yes, men suffer heartbreak too) we learn as much as possible from our last relationship and attempt to change. Now it may take three or four break-ups for us to get it right, but eventually we get it.

Now as for the guys whom haven’t learned this important lesson, currently they are in relationships with women (or girls) who as I stated above overlook the obvious, for now. For those of you who have been through relationship blues with selfish men and seek desperately to avoid this situation in the future I’ve created a list (Thanks to JuJu) to help you identify and hopefully avoid men who are selfish and not ready to change. For those men that haven’t changed yet, you may want to bypass him for now because he’s still a work in progress.

When first going out with a man in an attempt “to determine if it may become something more, here are somethings you should look for and their abscence should be noted and carefully scrutinized later.

1) Does he talk about himself constantly as if he’s trying to impress you?

If he does it’s not only you, he probably talks to everyone about himself. This could be because that’s all he knows about and/or cares about. In the end though he’s probably just like a commercial, you know the ones where they try to make a product look better than what the actual product really is.

2) When you got into his car or walked up to a door, did he open it for you?

I know that some women want to be treated as equal, but men opening doors is a very good sign that he is showing respect, courtesy and appreciation. From the time I was able to walk my Grandfather instructed me that I should always open doors for women, all women. When I asked him about this practice when I was older, I was told that women deserve to have doors opened and chairs pulled out for them because they do so much for men and this is a sign that you appreciate them for all they do.

3) Does he bring you lunch or dinner to your work place to ensure you have eaten when he knows you are busy? Do you have to ask, or does he volunteer to do it?

Women do this for men all the time. Why shouldn’t a man return the favor? He should and it is required if he is not selfish. You shouldn’t even have to ask, he should do this without question. the 50/50 rule is that whatever you do for him, he should be willing to do for you and more. So if you’ve been with a man for awhile, ask yourself, “How many times has he brought me something to eat at work without my asking?”

4) Does he go out of his way to make sure you are safe and secure?

Would he drive to your work place late at night just to walk you to your car to make sure you are safe? Does he ask you before hanging up after a late night talk,” Are the doors and windows secure?” If he does these things it’s because he cares and you are important to him. He puts your well being ahead of his own which shows total unselfishness.

5) Does he ask for your opinion consistently and follow your advice on important matters? Or does he make all the decisions in the relationship?

Only a selfish person would make a decision for two people that effects them both without consulting the other for their input. So if he goes out and makes a large purchase without discussing it with you, he’s selfish.

6) Does he know when you are tired, frustrated, happy, or sick without you having to tell him?

If he cannot tell what your mental or physical condition is on site then he’s really not paying enough attention to you. He should pick up on all of these quickly. You should never have to tell him that you are not feeling well, he should know. I bet you know when he’s under the weather without asking and you adjust accordingly, right. Selfish people are only aware of how they feel and they overlook problems or issues that effect everyone else.

7) Does he get an attitude or attempt to make you feel guilty if you say you have a headache or are too tired to make love to him?

Women and men differ when it comes to sex. As one person stated, women sometimes need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. If he cannot understand that you’re tired and respect this for what it is, it’s because he’s selfish and only concerned with his own needs.

8) Would he cancel plans to go to a sporting event with friends just because you had the flu?

A unselfish man would and he would expect his friends to understand. If you’re ill he’ll want to be there to take care of you just like the 50/50 rule implies. In the event you could get an unselfish man to actually go to the game anyway, he wouldn’t be happy about it and he’d be calling you every 30 minutes or so to see if he needs to come home. A selfish man won’t call and when he comes home he’ll expect you to get up and make him something to eat because he probably drank too much.

9) Does he love his car or motorcycle more than you?

Ever have that boyfriend who has a car that even though you two live together he will not let you drive? He has to wash it every week and vacuum it out and tells you to wipe your feet before getting in? Ever had a man like that? That’s the guy who will park on the other side of the parking lot late at night so no one dings his door on this machine, then tells you to walk across a darkly lit parking garage on the wrong side of town while he stays with the car to ensure it’s safety. No concerns about you during this time, only that damn car or motorcycle. He’s selfish ladies! I don’t care how much he paid for it, he should be concerned about you that much and not a machine.

10) Will he accompany you to do something you like to do (even though it’s something men necessarily don’t do) just to be able to spend more time with you?

In every relationship there are things that the other does not like to do. I once had a girlfriend who love going to plays. I hated it, but by going it allowed me some extra time to spend with her and it was well worth it. In the end I began to like going because it made her happy and I was just happy to be with her. To be able to do this, I had to be unselfish, if not, I would have been selfish in trying to dictate to her the places I would accompany her. Most men don’t like to go shopping, a selfish man will not go with you to buy your clothes. An unselfish one will not only accompany you, but will assist in the selection of items he would like to see you wear.  Every man wants to go shopping when you’re going to Victoria Secret. How about the man who will go shopping with you just to be able to spend extra time with you?

There is nothing more important to a man than when his woman shows a act of total unselfishness, like arrive on his job with a nice meal unexpectedly or to forgo plans she’d made months in advance simply because he wasn’t feeling well. Isn’t it time men returned the favor?  I think so too. You ladies deserve this type of unselfish acts too, no, you’ve earned it and rightly so.

So now, just in case I missed something in the paragraphs above let me make it clear that any man whom takes advantage of you in any manner is selfish.

He is only thinking of himself if you are not his only woman, if he doesn’t properly take care of you, if he doesn’t give you the proper amount of attention, if he leaves you unsatisfied after love making and doesn’t work to correct it properly. He’s selfish if he puts anything or anyone before you if you are his true love as he says. If he will not miss a night at the bar with friends to take you to the movies, he’s selfish. If he cannot commit to just you and he, he’s selfish. If he only comes to see you when he wants something, he’s selfish. In short, if he doesn’t treat you the same way he expects to be treated by you, then he my dear is selfish.

Now the only thing left to be asked is this, “Are you selfish to expect a man to do those things that a unselfish man will do for you?” Damn right, you’re selfish but as a woman you can be, because you’ve earned this right.

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