I write this blog and purposely I leave things out that could identify who I am. It’s not that I am ashamed of where I’ve been and the things that I have done in life, it’s more to shield my family from any attention that these posts have gathered. There is nothing inside any of my posts that my wife isn’t privy to and so there are no surprises for her, but for my children I think somethings are best to be unsaid.
That’s right, I said children, plural. If you read the original post you’ll notice that I made reference to my daughter only, well since this blog is for women at the time I saw no reason to mention my son at all. However, with this post I feel that it is necessary and in the end hopefully you’ll understand why this is so important.
Many of you are currently in relationships with men hom have fathered children by women they failed to marry for whatever reason. Most times this is a total nightmare for you. Receiving late night phone calls from the childs mother asking to speak to your man is annoying to say the least. Their constant threats and attempts to utilize the child as leverage to either garner more money or whatever constantly looms in the air.
This type of relationship is and can be challanging to say the least. How this situation is handled screams volumes about what type of man you are really dealing with. I hope what I’m about to devulge to you will assist any of you in how to select men from this group based on my own personal experiences. I didn’t have a manual to guide me through this journey, all I had was my word and faith that I could make it all work.
I’ve traveled the world and I’ve seen and done things that most people can only dream about, however when I look back on my life the two things that make me proud and excited are my two children. They are from different mothers but somehow I managed to make us all one family, for this feat I feel I am truely blessed.
In my Senior year of College my girlfriend informed me that she was pregnant. Yeah, I was shocked but at twenty two who isn’t when they recieve this news. I dropped out of College and I went home. I wasn’t sure what I would do, but I knew that the values that my parents had instilled in me dictated that I need to get into a position to take care of a child that would depend on me for years to come.
Most people would say, “Why didn’t you just finish College?” Hell, who thinks at that age? All I knew was that there was soon to be a life depending on me and College wasn’t going to pay me and he’d be there before I finished so the best thing I could think of was to quit and get a job to prepare for his future and his moms.
I had no idea if we would be together for life or not, but regardless I now had a major responsibility and I was determined not to screw it up. To make matters worse, I was still a dog. Man was I an idiot!
When I got home I still didn’t tell my mom why I had dropped out of school and since I never had given her any problems, (no drug usage, theft, robbery or any troubles to speak of) she politely asked me to take a break and finish up school at the local Community College.
I went to meet my mom for lunch one day after I had been home from school for about a week. I still hadn’t had a conversation with her about my soon to be fatherhood. On the way home that day I saw a sign that would change my life instantly. The United States Air Force recruiting office was screaming for me to take a look. I couldn’t resist, I stopped in and the rest is history. Three weeks later I was in Basic Military training school in San Antonio Texas. However, it’s the weeks prior to me leaving for the Air Force that may interest you.
I decided it was time to have a sit down with my mom and explain my situation. She didn’t yell, or scream but she did remind me that a child was a very big responsibility. I assured her I knew and that I would do whatever it took to make sure he was well taken care of. With that done I had one more meeting to have.
I met with my girlfriend and her mother, now you have to remember I was all of 22 years old at the time. On this day, I explained to them that regardless of wether my girlfriend and I remained together and eventually got married , I promised them that I would make sure that our child had anything and everything necessary to succed in life, especially the love of it’s father. I told them that day that I was leaving for the USAF and that I would send my girlfriend a certain amount of funds to make sure that she and the baby would be ok financially and that when I returned from Basic Training we would discuss what our next move would be in regards to marriage or whatever.
I left for the Air Force and I kept my promise. I returned and my girlfriend was approximately seven months pregnant. I returned with a set of order that was to send me far away from home for several years. She and I sat down and we talked about our future together and although we loved one another very much we both felt that getting married for the sake of a child would not hold a family together. I assured her that I understood and my original promise to take care of my child was as I had stated, permanate.
I went overseas and she stayed behind to have our child. The day he was born I was traveling through Tokyo Japan unable to come home for the delivery ( the needs of the USAF come first, according to them). She sent me photo’s and I continued with my agreement. The sad thing is that I wasn’t allowed to come home until around the time my son was ten months old.
I remember that day vividly and I charish it in my heart. The great thing about kids is they love unconditionally, so he never held it against me that I wasn’t around.
This could take forever, so lets cut through the chase, ok? Eventually, my ex and I both met different people. We talked about it and both understood. We still weren’t ready for marriage and the time apart had taken a hugh toll on us as it was. However two things remained intact. I continued with the promise I had made to her and her mom, and she refused to let my son forget whom I was. Around the third year of his life I was home and she and I made an agreement that would affect and impact both of our lives years later. The agreement was that when our son was old enough, he could make a decision to determine whom he wanted to live with.
Now, as a man and any woman I have ever dated will attest to this, I told each and everyone of them the same thing. I have a son, and he is the most important person in my life. One day he may deciede to come and live with me if I’m lucky and if this is not something you can deal with then you need to find someone else to possibly spend the rest of you life with. However, if you can accept this I may be that man.
A few women accepted this, some chose to move on. I understood, but to me a child is never to be considered a hinderance, and any woman or man whom choses a mate and rejects their child is not worth of being a human being. Now on the other hand, as we discussed above somtimes you have to deal with the other parent and thats a whole different story.
As a young man I accepted my responsibility, I made a promise and I stuck with it. I’ve never had to go to court to have some Judge tell me to take care of something I already knew was my reponsibility. I budgeted to insure he was well taken care of. Because I was honest with my ex and her mom, I never had an issue with her interfering with my relationships nor me hers. I still love her, although it’s not in the way it was when we were younger. I love her now because she is the mother of my child and even in my absence she raised a well behaved and manner young man alone. For this I am grateful and I am forever in her debt.
My wife? She understands all this and when my ex flys in to spend some time with our son, she stays with us. She and my wife are friends and my son thinks my wife is the best thing since cotton candy and my daughter calls my ex her Aunt, because they spend so much time together when she’s in town. Sometimes it’s funny because when my ex’s mom is around she constantly reminds her that she should have married me when she had the chance. It’s ok though, I love her anyway, and I thank her often for the son that she gave me and my wife.
Oh, the agreement, when he turned 14, he rolled out of bed oneday and asked her if he could live with me and my wife so we could spend time together. My ex called the house and informed my wife of my son’s decision (I was at work) my wife simply asked her to take him to the airport and the ticket would be waiting.
When I found out I explained to her as nicely as I could that she had done a great job raising him, but it was my job to teach him into a man. She agreed and the rest is history. However, now that my son is older, my ex complains that she’ll never find a good man because my son and I critique them too much and she said at times that’s intimidating for them. It’s ok though because she knows that all we want is the best for her, and trust me after the things I’ve done I know instantly when he’s not worthy and I’ve let more than one know it. Not trying to get into her business because she’s a gown woman, but if you had a friend who was about to drown, what type of friend would you be if you didn’t throw them a life preserver? Hey, we love her, sue us!
Now that I took you through what may have been boring for you lets get to the real point of this post, What “Baby Mamma” drama says about the men you meet or are in a relationship with.
It amazes me when you ask a woman about the problems she is having with the ex of her love interest. Most will give you this long drawn out disertation about how screwed up the ex girlfriend is and how she always wants money and wants to cause problems.
The really f**ked up thing about these answers is that if they really listened to themselves they would realise that they know absolutely nothing about the ex girlfriend and what they really do is regurgetate exactly what the boyfriend has said. Basically they are brainwashed. You may have a girlfriend or relative in a situation just like this (or maybe even you), and if you pull them to the side and ask these questions it may turn on the light inside their head. “Do you really know his ex?” “What is she really like?” Because, regarless of whatever we think about them they are in your life and relationship for a reason, and most if not always that reason is that he chose to lay in bed with her and have unprotected sex. Then when the child came he decided to run away from his responsibility and blame it all on her. My favorite excuse that men use to describe their ex’s that they have children with is, “She trapped me by telling me she was on the pill.” Or how about, “She’s crazy!” Yes she probably was, to sleep with a low life like him who created something as beautiful as a child and then walked away from his responsility.
“Baby Mamma” drama is created by a desperate attempt of women to force men to step up to the plate and take care of their responsibilities, it has very little to do with trying to destroy your relationship with them. In a sense for you women whom are going through this very issue, it would be wise to stop listening to what your so called man is telling you about her and listen to what she’s really saying.
The truth is she should be looked at as a warning for you. Not because she’s after your man, no, that’s what he wants you to think because it covers up what she’s really screaming for you to hear. She’s screaming for you to open your eyes and utilize that piece of gray matter between your ears and not make the same mistake she did. Because in reality, you’re actually in the exact same boat as she was once in, only for now you’re sleeping with the Captain and she’s in second class.
What she is really attempting to tell you and you cannot hear is that he is actually a very sorry excuse for a man. Seriously, think about it. He fathered a child and then walked or ran from his responsibility. Very few men whom father children and then seperate from their wives or girlfriends experience this situation now called, Babies Mamma drama, if they at a minimal support the child financially.
Raising a child is difficult at best, and when a man says he’ll take care of a child that’s exactly what he should do. It amazes me how many women fall for this B.S. when the new guy you’re dating tells you that his ex is crazy and she will not leave him alone. You’ve got to be really ignorant to believe a man or so called man whom refuses to support his own flesh and blood. If he will not take care of the children he fathered by her, why in the hell would you take a chance to see if he’ll take care of any he father with you?
Men can make you believe anything you want to believe. Let me say that again, They can make you believe anything you want to believe! How many lies do you think he told her before he walked out on her and their child? So for once, please get your head out of your ass and listen to what she’s really saying, because if you don’t it could be you he leaves behind with a child he will not support regardless of what he told you.
I’ve had women who have a boyfriend that has a child with someone else tell me, “Oh his ex is crazy, she got pregnant just to trap him.” Do you really believe that? Who in their right mind would have a child just to keep a sorry excuse for a man in her life for 18 long years or more? Would you?
Women in these situations need to open their eyes and ears and think for themselves. Try asking these questions. How did she get my phone number? Answer: from him. How did she know where I live? Answer: from him. If your car is damaged, how did she know what I drive? Answer: Him again.
Chances are, he likes the attention from her and you’re getting headaches for something you really have nothing to do with. She’s not mad at you in most cases, but you’re an easy target and since you will not listen to the message she’s screaming out loud, then you’re a part of the problem.
A very big part of being a man, is accepting responsibility. If he’s not accepting it, and he’s not taking care of the child he helped bring into this world, why would you really think he’s going to be a good man for you?
Any male can make a baby, but only a real man can be a father. So the next time you’re sitting around with that so called man, I’d like you to do me a favor. Take a real good look at him, and then ask yourself, How could this person walk away from a child that desperately needs him?” Ask yourself, “What kind of person is he really?” You probably won’t like what you really think. Thats a start, and hopefully you’ll lose his ass and find yourself a real man.